THERE are those moments in my life when I see a great invention or concept, and wonder: “Damn, why didn’t I think of that?”
And when it comes to gaming this happens nearly every week. The sheer collective genius of our industry amazes me, and imbues me with the belief that it truly is the most creative of entertainment industries.
But there are times when I lay awake at night trying to visualise the next big thing. Selfishly, I want to be the guy who invents the gaming version of the Post-It or something similar, if you catch my drift.
However, it’s not always smooth sailing being a creative thinker. At times you have these crazy ideas that just don’t work. Or… could they?
For this week’s Twiddling Thumbs, a column about speculation, I’m going to ponder what could have been: crazy gaming inventions I wish I’d created.
The question is: what crazy gaming invention has ever crossed your mind? Let me know below, or by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org
A new Tetris shape
Thank you square, L, line, zig, zag and T. The world owes you for your service to the Tetris game.
But what about a Hexagon? Or a miniature line of three squares? Or, I don’t know, a STAR just to really stuff things up as the stack gets higher.
There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t dream of being the inventor of a new Tetris shape. The recognition, the accolades, the ‘I just cured the common cold’ feeling of a life’s worth of researched, tested and peer-reviewed academia that contributes something to finally unlocking another of life’s secrets.
A ridiculously difficult 90s platformer (in the 90s)
Not a remake or re imagining. Just a good ol’, rock-hard abba dabba, you-sneezed-restart-the-level 90s platformer.
Not even a fun one by today’s soft, save-game standards. I would actually want kids to waste $130 of their hard earned as we did in the 90s, to put them in a mental prison to serve a life-sentence of regret for some frustratingly difficult platform game.
Stuck with the game, they’d have no Internet to complain to, their magazines wouldn’t be out for another month and most likely wouldn’t run their rant anyway.
They’d be broken down, Full Metal Jacket style, reprogrammed to learn and respect the cartridge, singing ‘this is my cartridge, this is my junk, this one’s for nostalgia, this one’s for love’
Heck, I’d even disable running left of screen, SMB style, while hard-earned rewards slide to the left, never to be retrieved.
They would hate me, but in years to come always remember ‘that’ game, and then propose a sequel funded on Kickstarter to imbue their wisdom upon another spoilt lot in the future.
Yep, we was tuff in them 1990s. Games have changed, for better or worse.
A controller with a third analog stick
A third analog stick would be a dream come true. Nintendo plopped one on theirs, Sony upped the ante with two, and Microsoft just gave you an oilfield’s worth of plastic with two.
Innovation stopped, my friends. We stagnated. Then the latte-sipping, skivvied beanstalks inherited the earth and attempted to eradicate analog sticks altogether.
They did ‘touch’, ‘waggle’ and ‘wave’ instead. What the hell?
Think about it: a third stick controlled by your TONGUE and mounted at the top of the controller.
Responsive only to your papillae, said stick allows you to add a ‘new dimension’ to your gameplay.
Okay, I’m stumped. But if you have any idea how it could be done, please let me know below!
An original Gameboy with the power button relocated to the bottom
If you are wondering why I’d propose this, ask someone who played an original Gameboy with friends around.
You’d be about to take the cake in your favourite game, sitting in the hallway before school, when some smart-ass would come along and flick the power switch off because Nintendo conveniently placed it at the top of the unit, which you’d inevitably point forwards during gameplay for prime being-a-prick power-offs from your mates.
How many high-scores died and went to heaven? I lost count. I’d love to create a Gameboy with a power switch at the bottom. Just for the heck of it.
What impossible creations would you make, if you could, even though you don’t have the slightest idea how to make them? Sound off below!